Unpopular opinion, I hate fall

Ps. I HATE OCTOBER THE MOST

Fall is dark and depressing! October is full of scary movies, costumes and things that make me want to hide! I dread the first day of October! I feel it coming and my mood gradually becomes grumpy! I feel the depression creeping in, and I want to crawl back under my covers and sleep until spring is in the air! Maybe my spirit animal is a grizzly bear! I just want to eat a big bowl of chili and hibernate until I feel like I've slept off this dark season!

I didn't always hate fall! It's never been my favorite, I've always liked warm weather, spring air, and new birth so spring is where my heart has always been! But I didn't mind the fall! I enjoyed the fun stuff, pumpkin patches, bon fires, and apple orchards! I even liked dressing up for Halloween and watching the Great Pumpkin every year! Actually, those things are still fun, and I try my best to enjoy them! But now I hate fall...

At one point one of the best days of my life was in October, and if I really embrace that day, it still is!  October holds the day he asked me if I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.  He asked me to marry him on the tippee top of the highest point in Tennessee.  It was FREEZING on Cling Man's dome that October morning.  I thought he was crazy for wanting to take a motorcycle ride in the mountains in October!  But life with him was like that, he wanted to impress me and show me how far he was willing to go to make me smile!  He had a plan, and so many people were in on it, they all knew what to do and everything that day was magical!  Even the freezing rain/snow made it seem like a winter wonderland!  It was a perfect day!  That day I felt so loved, so wanted and knew I found the person who would always love me for exactly who I am.  The memory of that day also makes me hate October... again, that was the day he asked me to spend the rest of our lives together.  I had no idea that this would mean his life and not mine. 

October brings the worst day of my life! Trust me, I've had a lot of bad days, and experiences, but the worst day is in October! Every year I anticipate this day... I feel it in my soul and no matter what I do to prepare myself, I am never ready to relive October! As October approaches, I think about the last time I heard his laugh, felt his embrace and said goodbye! I remember the days at the beginning of the month and wish I had put more into those days! I wish poured more love and taken more time to soak in his presence! I think about the middle of October, when life became a blur! When I started measuring time with before and after! When my life as I knew ended in a moment! I think about the end of October, and it's scattered! Memories seem like a nightmare... 

October 18th, 2008, was the worst day of my life! I will never be who I was before this day! So much of me died with him! So much of my innocence's and naivety was ripped from me on this day! This is the day that my young soul started to worry about everything and stopped fully enjoying life's adventures.  This is the day I realized that hearts break, and life isn't eternal (at least not here on earth), this is the day I realized that plans aren't real, and nothing lasts forever! I hate October because this is the month a part of my heart died, and I hate experiencing that pain every time October 1st shows it's dark face on my calendar! 

I should probably stop blaming this dark season for the death of my husband! Maybe I should look for the life in this season. But when I look around the world during October, everything is dying. The trees are sad, they turn brown and their leave fall to the ground! The sun refuses to shine, hides behind clouds and lays down to sleep earlier and earlier! Animals hide away, and waters still! Rains come and flood the world around us. All I see is the darkness and all think of is death, and I HATE It! 

These are my thoughts. there's no conclusion, no moral or lesson. Just someone who needs to tell October to shove it.. and scream, to the world who seems to LOVE FALL SO MUCH that fall isn't all its cracked up to be!  

I will wait here until spring comes... because it always does, flowers bloom and life after death is just a few months away!